From the day I met my husband, he never went into the doctor, let alone the hospital. So when he came to me with excruciating pain and said we must go in, I knew something wasn’t right. When we started this journey, I knew this would devastate us financially. Here’s why: When you do not have insurance, before you leave, the hospital likes you to meet with a financial advisor. I’m sure this is some tactic they try to make sure they will get their money. When we gave him our income, he replied, “I’m sorry you do not meet criteria for assistance, there’s nothing I can do to help with your bills.” The bills? $20,000.
At the time, we had built our lives around his ability to work. We had two companies, both reliant on his work ability and skills, both were dead in the water, as he was healing from an infection. James had a tube and a bag hanging from his abdomen and did not work for almost two months. For those of you who don’t know, my parents are the two most gracious people I know. They are always supportive. We were able to survive those two months with their help – no questions asked. James healed, and he was able to return to work.
Fast forward 5 months: The last thing we were expecting was a diagnosis of cancer. Deep down I knew that this could be a possibility given his tobacco habits, but later in our lives after we both have lived some. I never would have dreamed it would be hitting us a year after our wedding and colon? …it all just didn’t add up, but there we were newlyweds, uninsured and a cancer diagnosis.
When we were hit with the news, I had been working to help my parents expand their company and had agreed to not receive compensation until we could get what we were working on up and running. I slowly went from volunteer to part to full time. Things were still pretty bad with the growing pile of medical bills. Even after I negotiated the original $20,000 down to $7,000, we had accumulated more than $25,000 again in hospital stays, medical tests and appointment fees by this time. My parents once again stepped up and continued to pay James’ salary for the times when he was not able to work. When I did receive a check, my entire check and then some went straight to chemotherapy. Each and every time we walked through the door, which was twice a month, I handed them my bank card for $2,000. Who just has $4,000 laying around extra each month? Not me. I was saving up for a pool – my entire savings went to chemo too.
My sister wanted to start a GoFundMe page for James to help offset the medical debt. The entire time people were donating, I tried to avoid the situation. I’m a very self-reliant person. I’d much rather do everything on my own. If there is a will, and there was, then there would be a way, and I would find it. My sister finally came to me and asked me for my bank account because she kept getting notifications about the funds and needed to fulfill that portion. I reluctantly agreed because despite the $25,000 that we owed, James needed a port to receive his chemo, and when that port failed, he needed another. Before he could receive his second port, they placed a PICC line. Did you know a port placement costs roughly $3500? A PICC line costs about $1500? Within 1 month we were $8,500 more in debt.
Now, I say reluctantly, not because I’m ungrateful, I am very grateful. As introverts, we rely on self-sufficiency, we like to work alone, solve our own problems, so believe it or not it is actually harder for us to accept help from others than to struggle through it on our own. Despite our own moral dilemmas, we are so thankful for everyone that lent a hand, brought over meals, just came by to visit with us, prayed, or simply just asked us how we’re doing. Everyone who helped us in a time of need displayed such a selfless act of love and kindness and it took a tremendous burden off James and I. That act alone, we could never repay.
When January came, we got some relief. He was still receiving chemo but we were insured! The social worker signed us up for a program to offset one of the more expensive chemo drugs, which helped us meet our high deductible. By middle February, we had 100% coverage. Just because we had 100% coverage of insurance, didn’t mean our debts were good and we were home free. We acquired more payments and debt in January meeting our deductible. With the donations, my savings, and my parents help, we were able to pay bills as they came in and keep the roof over our head.
Every single day from the day I had to break the news to my husband about the cancer diagnosis, I fought to keep him in good spirits, to shield him from anything that would devastate him. He told me to sell things we had, to list our house – I refused. What good would that have done? Make it easier on us financially? Possibly but I refused his requests because there is no way I was going to allow this horrid disease to alter and ultimately control our lives. With or without anyone’s help – our lives would remain unchanged in every other aspect, I was going to make sure of it.
Cancer is depressing, its devastating, it’s life changing, but what you don’t expect is the whispers, the talk, the judgement about how you handle situations, how you deal with it and what you refuse to let go of. You get people who don’t know what to say and they stay clear of you. You get the ones who overcompensate and smother you, but you’ll also get the ones who want to tell you what they want you to hear and they refuse to respect you. My advice to all caregivers, all cancer patients: You need to do you. Do what is best for you and your family. If people donate to you, it’s a blessing and one of the most selfless acts, but don’t allow their kindness to be your insecurities. Don’t allow their judgement of your decisions to hold merit. You are the only one that knows what is best for you. Don’t be afraid to write people off who are causing you harm. True colors shine in times of despair.
Everyone finds hope in their own ways. Everyone needs help in different ways and unless you are in their shoes, living their life and know exactly what they are going through, you have no clue. There is no room for argument, no room for talk, no excuses. You weren’t there when people make decisions on what to purchase, what to keep, and where they used your help. You don’t understand their reasoning and speculating just shows your character not theirs. I fought hard to keep what we did, to acquire what we have and to have this life we live. Somethings would have been more of a struggle with the enormous amount of medical debt that cancer brings, that others graciously helped us with, but, to this day, we are still making payments on this debt. I fought hard to keep his quad and today with the loss of his femoral nerve, he is able to get a piece of normalcy and ice fish once again, as well as, getting around our property because of the difficulty of walking on ice and climbing hills. I fought hard to keep him in treatments and when he wanted to give up, the only thing that showed a glimmer of hope to push through and finish this hard road of this difficult battle of cancer was being able to get his truck. It gave him something to hold on to, something to fight harder for, that last push to finish treatments. As for me, I was able to regain my savings after the insurance kicked in and I now have my little piece of paradise in all this mess and it duels as a therapeutic treatment for James.
It is important to live as normal of a life as possible, when you’re dealt a life of cancer. If you decide to help someone who is struggling with this devastating disease, help without question, don’t use judgment afterwords because you don’t understand what they are going through and you are speculating their financial situation.
Supporting the fighters, admiring the survivors, honoring the taken, and never giving up hope.
To everyone that has helped and supported James and I through our journey – we can never express our gratitude enough. We strive everyday that we pass along your kindness, selflessness, and love and pay it forward to a fellow fighter – to someone else who needs it, whether it be a special gift to raise their spirits, financial support to make that payment so they don’t lose everything they own or to give them our time, an ear to listen and advice that is solicited.
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